So, yep, it’s been a while since the last blog. Let’s see, a few things have happened since then and honestly, I think I lost myself for a while.
Sadly, I had a miscarriage in April. So, we had to deal with having to tell our family and friends our sad news and I quickly came to realize, we did what I always said I would never do. We announced the pregnancy way too soon.
I was notorious for telling friends to wait it out until they were at least at the end of their 1st trimester. The miracle of conception is a miracle in itself, so to make it through an entire pregnancy with little to no issues, is a massive miracle. Your body goes through so much to conceive and carry a baby.
So what happened? Why did we ignore our own advice and our gut instincts? We just threw everything we knew out the window when it came to us. Well, first off, we never planned on having more children. Between Ron and I, we have 3 amazing kids! 3 amazing grown-up kids at that. Heaven forbid I actually even call them kids anymore! Young adults, teens, pre-teens, whatever you want to call them today. So, why start over? Second, given all the cancer treatments Ron went through, we were told it wasn’t in the cards for us anymore. So, in our minds, having another child was not in our future.
Then came that fateful day that we realized I was pregnant. Within 2 seconds of seeing that test come up positive, I knew and Ron knew, this was meant to be. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more. We were excited, scared, joyful and a zillion other emotions. So, you can understand how hard it would be to try to keep this news under wraps from our family and friends. Don’t you want to share all your excitement with those you love? It’s almost impossible to try to keep that all bottled up inside you. All rational, responsible thinking is tossed. So, we spilled the beans.
As quickly as the good news came, just as quickly the bad news came it seems. That is how fragile this process is. We cried (a lot), got angry, cried some more, got depressed, embarrassed for having made a spectacle of ourselves, and tried to move on. Most of the time now I am fine, not dwelling on the past, but there are those moments that sneak up on me where I it all comes back. I feel cheated, sad, mad, embarrassed. I see a pregnant woman at the store or get an email from a pregnancy site or someone who hadn’t heard asks how I am doing…it all comes back for a brief moment. Doesn’t happen all the time, but just once in a while, there it is. It’s less and less frequent as time goes by. That’s part of moving on.
I think this experience has made me stronger for sure. This was probably one of the hardest, saddest times I have gone through, and I made it out in one piece. I was down, but wasn’t out. This has made me appreciate what we do have as well. We have 3 miracles already in our home. How lucky are we? Makes you love them and treasure them more, doesn’t it? I cannot tell you how many people told me that they either went through this before personally or knew someone else who had. Reminded me that this was normal, I was not alone and knew that everything would be ok.
Yes, we can (and will) try again when the time is right. Now that we know it is a possibility and we know this is what we want, we are ready and willing to put ourselves out there again. There is a good chance we’ll go through all this again, but with one exception. We now have lessons learned. We will keep it to ourselves. Never any regrets. Everything is for a reason. Take it, build upon it, be a better, stronger person for it.
Thank you to all our fabulous family and friends for being there, supporting us. And of course, I wouldn’t be anywhere without Ron at my side the entire time. I never knew love like this before him. He is my rock, my love, my best friend.